There’s a religious story told about a drowning man praying to God to be saved and turning down all the help sent his way because he was looking for something specific.
I wonder sometimes whether this is the parable of my life. I feel like there’s something I’m ‘meant’ to be doing but not sure what it is and am hoping the universe will send me clues.
I’ve always claimed that I want more time to myself, to immerse myself in creative writing. And there have always been plenty of good reasons why I can’t find this time. Until now that is!
Here I am living in a beautiful pueblo blanco with no family around for me to focus my energy on. I have a few friends and am beginning to become involved with some community activities. I’m really enjoying looking after the home, exploring local markets, buying and cooking our food and growing an abundance of plants in our patio garden. But there’s always a niggling feeling that I ‘should’ be doing something else.
Today it occurred to me that I am that drowning man. Having spent years claiming I want the time and space to write – the universe has provided me with the most perfect opportunity and I spend my days on distractions and tasks that provide varying degrees of satisfaction without ever actually having to sit down and write.
In Vietnam my excuse was that while I was sitting in front of my computer I wasn’t out experiencing the wonderful culture and life all around me. A valid comment you may agree. And the same does apply here to some extent but …. It’s now so hot during the day that all my neighbours and friends escape to the beach every afternoon to cool off, relax and play. That’s not something that hubby and I particularly enjoy so at the very least I have several hours every afternoon to ensconce myself in my lovely study, turn up the fan and write.
A lightbulb moment! Eureka, Karen, you finally have the time, space, energy and commitment to writing – all at the same time. Stop procrastinating! As an author friend once wisely commented: writers write.
If I want to be a writer, I’d better get writing!I
Feeling rather restless and rootless at the moment I am constantly reminding myself to:
- live in the moment,
- be present,
- accept the present/intend the future
- this moment is as it should be because the whole universe is as it should be
I eat well, meditate daily, walk in the countryside, rest, have fun and generally love life. But. I find living ‘in between’ incredibly difficult. My brain is screaming to get stuck into projects, communities, things, things, something to keep it active and busy. I panic that life is passing me by and I’m not achieving anything, not fulfilling my purpose, wasting precious time.
And then I take a deep breath, slow down that monkey mind chattering away and remember that my life, right now, is filled with blessings, love, discoveries, good health, friendships and all the things that make it so magically wonderful. So what’s the problem then? I think that it’s the void. We have been living in Cardiff for four and a half months and really love it here (partly because we know we’re leaving soon?). It’s a fabulous City, great culture, architecture, people, scenery and so many things to do and keep us occupied that we’ve barely scratched the surface. But it isn’t home. We came here because it’s the city of my birth and I wanted to be closer to my parents for a while. And I’m loving spending time with them and with the City and all it has to offer. A lot of time though is spent planning and preparing for our move to Spain at the end of January so my heart is only ever half here and the other half across the water.
There is something to be said for that feeling of discomfort and ‘being’ in the void as I’m convinced that that is where the magic happens – where creativity can bubble up to the surface and be heard. It’s like the analogy of dropping a pebble into a raging sea and it having no impact whatsoever, whereas the same pebble dropped into a calm lake sends ripples far and wide. Today then I will enjoy the calm lake and drop pebbles of creativity into it and see what happens!
What is they say about if you want a job doing giving it to be a busy person? How on earth am I meant to fit everything into what was already a busy life? The short answer I guess is to prioritise and focus.
No more rooms cleared yet but Kevin is threatening (well, that what it sounds like!) to start on the loft at the week end. Yeuch, my heart has sunk to the bottom of my stomach. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most, how much don’t I want to clear the loft this week end? Yep, no question, a 10. Asking me to clear ‘clutter’ is a bit like a trip to the dentist with no hope of an anaesthetic 😦
However, before I even get to the week end there’s the small matter of a third evening of CELTA classes at Manchester Academy of English. Last night we did a demonstration lesson observation and met the students we’ll be teaching over the coming weeks.
The demo observation flew past – an hour, I couldn’t believe it. And then, much to my surprise, chatting to the students devoured another hour in no time at all (well 60 minutes if you want to be pedantic but it didn’t seem like it is my point!).
Anyway, much as I love writing here it isn’t really a priority today – writing up class notes, editing a client’s newsletter and taking the dog out before college – oops, forgot a client meeting – are priorities however so I’d better get going …